Leading My Heart

Ruby has been a bit of a challenge lately - fussy, frustrated with her lack of mobility, & this conflicting blend of wanting me to be with her every minute while pushing my hands away as I try to help. It's been hard & has left me multiple times with my hands thrown in the air not knowing what to do. So I have decided to lead my heart & show it the way to happiness. Because if I were to follow my heart at this time it would only lead me to frustration. I'm leading this heart of mine to remember the good moments of the day, as there are many. I'm leading it to see that this little person that is challenging me is going to teach me a lot. I'm leading it to see the humor in a fit that resembles a mini seizure. And I'm leading it to start fresh each day with renewed patience & strength. I have found that sometimes my heart can't be trusted & so I have to change it & lead it to a better kind of love. And I'm finding it. I adore that baby like nothing else & I'm secretly pleased that she's so stubborn & strong-willed. This feisty little girl is going to move mountains.

9 Months...Not 6

"And you will always be with me. I shall never cease to to be filled with newness, having you near me." D. H. Lawrence

Disclaimer: Someone (who shall remain nameless) placed the sticker upside down so it reads 6 months instead of 9. So let's all tilt our heads so it looks like a 9 because I am not re-taking those pictures. Thank you.

Lazy Days

With Tyler off of school for the summer we have been enjoying having more time with him & lounging around the house.

I love summer.



Jellies

When I was little I had a pair of red sparkly jellies that I loved. I've never outgrown my love for sparkly things & every time I see a pair of jellies I start feeling nostalgic. I remember going to Sea World wearing those shoes one time & I had blisters & aching feet. But even that experience didn't stop me from wearing them all the time. In fact, they're the only shoes I remember from my childhood. When I was shopping yesterday I found a pair in Ruby's size & I about died. Thank heavens there wasn't a pair in my size because who knows what I would have done at that point. This post may have been about my new jellies rather than Ruby's...yikes. I put Ruby's gold sparkly jellies on her today & she was mesmerized by them. She kept staring & touching them & she wanted to get them in her mouth. Granted she does this with every shoe but this time even more. And I was loving every minute of it.



9 Years & Counting

The other day I was venting to Tyler about a million things that I was upset about. I blame hormones on this one for the record. After I finally took a breath Tyler made a very brave interjection. He said, "Do you think you need to just fix yourself rather than everything & everyone around you?" Ouch. As soon as he said it I knew he was right. That's the exact advice I would've given someone in my situation but it stung being on the receiving end. And so I made the decision to change me - such a never-ending process that I have found needs to be repeated more frequently than I'd like to admit. But it made me think about that boy I've been married to for 9 years now & how we've basked in the good times & weathered the bad & how lucky I am to call him mine. Someone who can tell you like it is & call you out when you're in the wrong & love you in spite of it is pretty priceless. He's a keeper for sure. 

Ruby's 1st Swim

One of my favorite things about being a mom is getting to watch Ruby experience things for the first time. I love watching the world through her eyes & seeing her take it all in. It makes everything feel new again. We took Ruby swimming for the first time...& she hated it. I think the pool was a little cold for her so hopefully once it warms up she'll like it. At least she looked adorable in her first swimsuit.

Groundhog Day

Since Tyler & I came back from Puerto Rico all Ruby wants to do is stand. Why is she so resistant to crawling? I have crawled all over this house trying to encourage her to no avail...sad but true. Anytime I try to sit her down she goes stiff as a board making it nearly impossible. So she spends much of her day standing at her crib holding onto the bars until she gets all shaky & wobbly & even then she doesn't want to come down. That girl is determined & stubborn & I love that about her.



More Puerto Rico

One of the days we were there we decided to go zip lining in the rainforest. It sounded like such a great idea until I was on top of a very high tower that was swaying in the wind & I was reminded that I'm deathly afraid of heights. But once I started going & looked down I loved it!

There's Tyler getting ready to go.

We decided to go on a hike through the rainforest afterwards. I've decided it's the idea of hiking that I really like & not so much the hike itself.

Then it was back to the beach:

I'm afraid our trips to the Caribbean have ruined us with their isolated beaches & warm water. The perfect place for a swim & a nap.

By the end of the week we couldn't wait to get back home & see Ruby. It was so hard to leave her but we were so grateful that we didn't have to worry since she was with my family. We talked about her all the time on this trip & it was the best to have her to come home to. When we finally got home she was squealing & laughing & sooo hyper. It was a great homecoming.

Puerto Rico

Tyler & I celebrated our 9th anniversary with a trip to Puerto Rico & it was heavenly. Traveling is our favorite thing to do together & I have dreams of seeing the world & taking our kids to far away places. We spent our time in Puerto Rico swimming in the ocean, lounging on the beach sticky with salt water & humidity, sight-seeing & eating the most delicious foods. We quickly learned how pathetic our Spanish is & I have never seen drivers like that in all my days. But we are alive & well in Arizona now & here's a recap of our trip.

We started in Old San Juan at El Morro which was a military fort built in the 1500's & it was pretty amazing.

San Juan stole my heart with all of it's color & cobblestone & buildings. After a day of exploring we headed to the beach.

And now I'm heading back to my piles upon piles of laundry that have overtaken my house. To be continued...

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

Over the past several years Mother's Day hasn't been my favorite day. I haven't spent it weeping & wailing but I have spent it with an aching heart as It was a painful reminder of what I lacked. I was always impressed by people who talked to me on that day because it must have felt uncomfortable & a little scary. Grief does odd things to people & it's hard to know how someone will react. Last year I had my best Mother's Day to date. A friend approached me in the hall at church & said, "So do you hate this day or what?" I told her I did & I remember feeling so accomplished because I didn't even get teary eyed. She said, "You have every right to. What you're going through is really hard & I'm sorry." I hadn't realized until that moment that those were the words I'd been longing to here. They were honest & simple & validating. They didn't try to make what I was going through better. Words could never have done that. Especially not on Mother's Day. I don't know that I'll ever have a Mother's Day where I won't remember those feelings that I had & how hard it was & I'm grateful for that. Because it makes me so grateful that I get to be a mother. I get to take care of this little person that I adore 24/7. Being a mother is hard but I know from experience that wanting to be a mother is much harder. Faced with the choice I'd choose being a mother every time.