1 Month

This gorgeous girl is 1 month old today & I absolutely can't get enough of her. I remember before we even knew that we were getting her I would have the most vivid dreams of a perfect baby girl. They were the kind of dreams that feel like reality & I remember the feeling of being able to hold & love this baby. I hated waking up because I would feel an aching in my heart & a longing unlike any other. I think I survived our years of infertility by being blessed with the ability to forget & focus on other things. But these dreams made forgetting impossible.

Looking at these pictures makes me so grateful that it's finally my turn. I finally get to be a mom, finally have a baby I can call my own, & finally we are a family. It often seemed like this day would never come as I watched everyone around me get their turn & seemingly pass me by. But the time that I dreamed of & longed for is here & I'm loving every minute of it.

Dads & Daughters

A friend of ours emailed me the link to this article & I loved it. It's for sure getting printed off & referred to often in our home. After all, anyone this cute deserves the best.

http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

On a side note, there is just something amazing about watching your baby gain weight, grow & change. This little girl slept until 6:15 this morning & I'm pretty sure she would have slept longer if her dad didn't go in & wake her up. It is the most bizarre thing to wake up after a full night's sleep. Confusion is quickly followed by panic. A sleeping baby is beautiful thing.

Keepin' It Real

We had a surprise visitor the other day & I swear these drop-ins always happen when I'm most unprepared. The nicest lady from our ward showed up with gifts for Ruby. It was so sweet but all I could think about was the fact that I was in my pajamas at 2 in the afternoon, my hair resembled something a bird lives in, & I wasn't wearing a bra. And Ruby was in a diaper. Only a diaper. We were the picture of white trash. I think that may be the one time in Ruby's life that she wasn't dressed with a headband on. I wanted to apologize for how heinous we looked & give her a list of about 10 reasons why we looked this way & promise that we normally don't. Instead I just stood there & thanked her & told her all about Ruby while a part of me was dying inside. I used to wonder what stay-at-home moms did all day.

It's amazing how much work something so small can be. I had a huge list of things I was going to accomplish today. Instead we just read books, sang songs, took a nap together & enjoyed each other. I'm so afraid I'm going to blink & she'll be grown. So I'm learning to let go of the lists, agendas, & expectations & just live in the present. Maybe that's why those stay-at-home moms were always so busy after all.

What Today Looked Like

“Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.”

― Joseph F. Smith

Changes

I can't believe Ruby is 3 weeks old when it seems like I can't really remember my life without her. Tyler & I were laughing the other day about how different our lives our now. We talk pretty regularly about poop (Ruby's of course), we're total suckers for any movement or sound our little baby makes, I have a significant section of my closet that contains dry clean only clothing that will probably be lonely for a while, we're fiercely over-protective & we're both totally convinced that the sun rises & sets with this little girl. The question I've been asked a lot lately is what has surprised me most about motherhood. And I have to say that it's how much I love Ruby. I knew I would love her & I would love being a mom but this is just so much more than that. It's truly the best. Now that I have Ruby I look at her & think of all the times I was so frustrated with the waiting & heartbreak. And I realize now that I would've waited forever for this little girl. And I know that when we renew our adoption certication in a year that I will feel all of that again. But I also realize that the waiting & wanting & hoping has blessed us to love in a way that I don't think we could've ever loved before.

This was taken the morning Tyler had to go back to work, which is why he looks so sad. He had 2 weeks of paternity leave & it pretty much made us both wish that we could just stay home together all the time with Ruby. Jobs and income are way overrated anyway, right?

 And this is pretty much what Ruby looks like in every picture I take of her - one eye partly open. Which is weird because I've taken like a million so you would think the odds would be a little more in my favor. She's already inherited Tyler's squinting...crap.

Beautiful Baby

My friend Mary is an amazing photographer & gifted me a newborn photo session of Ruby. These are her 2 week old pictures & I look at them multiple times a day. I LOVE them! Check her out at marryjordan.com, she is awesome to work with!

Aren't they incredible?! I think she captured her perfectly. Ruby did great until the outdoor shots. She pooped on the white blanket & then peed all over Tyler, which was hilarious. I'm still amazed at how much can come out of such a teeny little thing. Is it weird that I felt a little satisfied after I'd been peed on, pooped on, & spit up on in the first week? I felt like a real mom & that is the greatest feeling in the world. Even if it does mean that half way through the day you realize a chunk of your hair is stuck together from dried spit up. And I had the best intentions of washing it out at some point in time....ahhh, the joys of motherhood.

After the Birth

After paperwork was signed we had to wait for the state of Utah & the state of Arizona to give us clearance to come back home. It ended up taking a while because the offices were closed over Labor Day, but we were able to see Cassie & her family again which was really great for all of us. Cassie & her family invited us to her family reunion in Park City so we got to meet all of her extended family & they even had us in their family pictures which was so sweet.

I know openness in adoption is something that scares a lot of people & is a hard thing to understand. Tyler & I didn't feel like we really understood it until after Ruby was born. Cassie in no way tries to be Ruby's mom. She's her birthmom & that role is clearly defined. When someone you love so much gives you the most incredible gift you develop a bond that is deep & unique. We want to share Ruby's life with Cassie because we love her & we love Ruby. I don't think anyone can understand this unless they've experienced what we have, but all I can say is that this relationship is a healthy & happy one. We don't feel threatened in our role as Ruby's parents because Cassie is so wonderful to us. And it's an amazing thing to have another person in the world that loves your daughter like you do. We say time & again what a lucky baby Ruby is. She has an incredible story. (Sorry for my adoption tangents, I can't help myself.)

Loving this picture

Placement

48 hours after Ruby was born Tyler & I went to the hospital to sign paperwork so that she would officially be ours. Placement is emotionally exhausting to say the least. In fact, I've never been so emotionally drained in all my life. I was in Utah for 3 weeks with Tyler flying back & forth as often as possible because we wanted to be sure to be there for the birth. After the birthparents sign paperwork & we sign paperwork we all met up in a room in the hospital to do the actual placement with Ruby. Here's what it looked like.

Us feeling nervous, happy & awful all at once.

Cassie opening all her gifts we gave her. The caseworkers in Utah were so awesome & they had us share our feelings with each other & took all of these pictures for us.

Then they had Cassie literally place Ruby with us. They say this is the most therapeutic way to do it, however, it was heartbreaking & incredibly difficult. Cassie is possibly the strongest person I've ever met.

On the drive home from the hospital between us screaming every 5 minutes, "We have a baby in our backseat!" we had time to talk about everything. Well, not everything. That would have been too overwhelming. We were both spent. But we did talk about how we never in a million years imagined that this is where life would lead us. We were feeling so much happiness & yet there was a big part of our hearts that were completely broken. Adoption involves suffering. We suffered before this baby came, & the birthparents did after. And I hate that, but recognize that it's necessary. We remembered our lives over 8 years ago and thought of a 19 and 22 year old that had their entire lives before them. Kids that were crazy in love & had no idea that they would learn what it feels like to receive one of the most incredible gifts there is to give. Tyler asked if I was okay that I won't ever be able to experience child birth & all that comes with it. And I could honestly say that I'm totally at peace with that. I love my life. It's kind of a hard one at times, but I'm okay with that. And what's so miraculous about adoption is that it brings healing. Tyler & I will heal, & Cassie & Jeremy will heal & life will once again be as it should.

Ruby

I seriously don't even know where to begin! Ruby was born on August 30 at 10:51 pm. She was 7 lbs. 11 oz. and 19 inches. Tyler & I were both there for the delivery and it was the most amazing experience. I am in awe of our amazing birthmom and how awesome she did! She pushed for 10 minutes and our perfect and beautiful baby girl was welcomed into the world. Tyler & I lost it. I'm talking the ugly tears that deform your face you're crying so hard. We were indescribably happy. I'm attempting to chronicle this process but I don't think the words exist to do it justice, which is so frustrating, but I'll do my best.

This is Cassie, Ruby's birthmom, right before she delivered. Doesn't she look amazing?! When I look at this girl I see someone so incredible. Someone who knows of a love that is selfless & pure. She included us so much during this process & we were able to experience pregnancy & delivery in ways we never thought we'd be able to. I will always remember & forever tell Ruby about the way that Cassie looked at her after she was born. It was unreal. She loves her with a love that is rare & perfect. And that's why she was able to place Ruby. Because she loved her enough to give her what she knew was best. I truly believe that if Cassie had loved Ruby even a tiny bit less or was being selfish in the least, then she never would have been able to give her to us.

I can't even begin to say how obsessed we are with this baby. We both had built this up to be so great that I couldn't imagine reality living up to our expectations. But it far exceeded them. It seems impossible to be able to love this much.

Jeremy - the birthfather. We seriously hit the jackpot with this adoption. Amazing birthparents, family & baby. Jeremy was involved in the whole process which is so rare. He is hilarious & was endlessly entertaining even during the delivery. He & Tyler are a lot alike & it was so fun to see the two of them together. I love that Ruby will always know where she came from & what incredible birthparents she has. What a lucky girl to have so many people that love her so much.

And this is what pure joy looks like. This makes this entire horrible, terrible, no good, very bad process amazing. As difficult as this has been we feel incredibly blessed that we've been able to experience the miracle of adoption. We have felt a love & kindness from innumerable people to the point that it's overwhelming. We've heard so many people say how great it is that we're adopting because they just don't think they would be able to love someone else's baby like their own. But no one can tell me that she hasn't always been ours. There's not a logical explanation for how she is, but she just is. We can do love, that's always been easy for us. And it's no different with this little baby. The connection was instant & now we're a family. I look at her everyday & tell her how worth it she was.