Cousins

My sister-in-law Lauren took some pictures of the girl cousins recently & we really gave her a challenge with 3 little girls that didn't want to hold still & liked to look in 3 different directions, but she did a great job.

Lyvi is such a little mama which she totally gets from Sarah (her mom). I love how she's just trying to make Ruby happy in this one. I didn't think I could love our nieces & nephews any more than I already did, & then watching them with Ruby makes me love them 10x more.

June & Ruby were born a year and a day apart. August is going to be a fun month.

Holding hands

Thanks Lauren!

Life As We Know It

Lately I've come to the realization that life isn't perfect after adoption. Kind of seems like I should have seen this one coming, no?

This is perfect:

This, however, is not:

A caseworker told me that I would have moments periodically that would sting & would be a reminder of my loss. I've had those moments a lot lately as people have asked if Ruby looks like her mom, meaning her birthmom. I know it's completely innocent & I have to remind myself that I would most likely be asking the same thing if I had never adopted, but it feels like a punch to the stomach every time. I'm her mom & no, she doesn't look a thing like me. In fact, sometimes I think that's a good thing because Jeremy & Cassie's genes mixed quite beautifully if I do say so myself. I was talking with a friend today who adopted a baby before me & she reminded me that adoption is a process, not an event. I need to make peace with that & embrace the fact that we're no longer dealing with the "ideal" or the "normal". And the truth of the matter is I can't imagine my life being anything other than what it is. I know that things are exactly as they should be & I know that adoption was our path & I know that Ruby is our daughter. I wish everyone understood that the way we do but it's an unrealistic wish. I can't change the world & I shouldn't be overly sensitive & expect people to understand something that most know nothing about. So I guess that leaves me with changing myself. It's time to dig a little deeper, toughen up, & let it go. When I realized years ago that I would probably never be pregnant I promised myself that I would never let this experience make me bitter. So do your worst world, I can take it.

Sunday Best

Ruby went to church for the first time the Sunday before last. I was thrilled that she fit into this adorable outfit/headband that Justin & Sarah gave her. She did awesome & slept through the first part but by the end she was a little done. So I hung out in the Mother's Lounge with her for the last 30 minutes or so. Umm, why has no one told me how fun the Mother's Lounge is? It's like a little club for women.  

I was talking to one girl who was asking all about Ruby's story. She was asking about my infertility & what all I tried to get pregnant. I told her that we tried for the required year to get pregnant before starting fertility but deep down I knew that it wasn't right for us. I pushed that feeling away for a while thinking that it was just the hormones making me crazy...which they were...just in other ways. Finally I couldn't ignore the feeling any more & adoption kept coming to my mind. I talked to Tyler about it and at first he wasn't interested. He was so set on having a baby that had our features but after he looked at pictures on itsaboutlove.org of families being sealed in the temple to their babies, he was sold. It took him about a week & then he was 100% on board with me. As we waited the long months before we finally got Ruby, I was tempted to try different fertility options. It seemed so much easier & way less complicated. But always that feeling came back so strong that I knew it wasn't right for us. And now I know that I felt that way because Ruby was ours & she had to come to us through adoption. And I know that God needed me to feel that so strongly so I wouldn't just throw in the towel & be done with it all. As I was telling my new friend all this, I looked up from feeding Ruby & was surprised to see that she was crying. She said, "You're right, she's your baby & this is exactly how she was supposed to come to you." I love it when people "get" us. And I love the Mother's Lounge.

Grandma

My mom was over tonight & I got these pictures of her with Ruby. I am loving how Ruby has started being so interested in everything going on around her. She loves to look at people when they hold her.

Having a daughter of my own has made me think a lot about how to be the best parent that I can be. How do I teach her how to be a strong woman who knows who she is & is kind to others? How do I teach her how amazing her relationship with God can be & how to live a life that she can always be proud of? How do I teach her that she can tell me anything, good or bad, & I'll always be there for her? How do I teach her to love books & good music? How do I teach her to be honest especially when it's inconvenient? How do I teach her to laugh at herself & not take life too seriously? How do I teach her to get an education so that she can be independent & confident in her abilities? How do I teach her to forgive & love life? How do I teach her to get through the hard times & find happiness in the small things? I wish my mom could tell me exactly how she taught me those things but the more I think about it the more I realize that even though she told me those things all the time she also showed them to me. As I struggled with going through hard times in my life I thought about what my mom did when life was hard. And I remember that she always kept going & her faith was always solid. She taught me to pick up the pieces when life seems to fall apart & that it's okay that other people know that you're having a hard time. She taught me that we don't have to be perfect, because who likes a perfect person anyway? She has always been honest & real & my ideal mom. We were never allowed to indulge in self-pity or feel sorry for ourselves for more than just a little bit. She taught me everything I should be by just being it herself. I'm so grateful for my good mama & for her example that teaches me that I've got a lot of work to do. This parenting stuff isn't for sissies.

October

I absolutely love this time of year in Arizona. As it'll be starting to get cold in other places we're just getting into months of gorgeous weather. This time of year always takes me back to when Tyler & I were dating. We were spending every waking minute together & head over heels in love. I remember thinking that I would never be bored with Tyler. And 8 years later that's still true. There's never a dull moment & we have developed a sense of humor that I think sometimes only the 2 of us understand. We've managed to convince ourselves that we're the most hilarious people in the world & I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Ruby can agree with us...or be really embarrassed by us...time will tell.

Tyler's been insanely busy with church, work & getting his MBA. We definitely have to make the most of our time together because there seems to never be enough of it. It leaves me feeling a bit like I'm missing my left arm or something. And my mother-in-law has had Ruby for several hours which feels a lot like missing another limb as well. I'm afraid I've become far too attached to these precious people. Here's what Fall looks like around our place:

Grapefruit! Can't wait for these to be ripe. Tyler & I love all the citrus in our backyard - lemons, limes, grapefruits, & oranges = heaven.

And once again at this time of year I'm falling in love. This time with our baby girl & it seems to be again & again & again. Ruby had her 1 month doctor appointment today & is now 9lbs. 14oz. and 23 inches. Everyone goes crazy over her when I bring her in which I'm sure they do with every baby, but I still feel a ridiculous amount of pride when they do it over my baby. And they call me "mom" when I'm there which is likely because they have no idea what my acutal name is, but I still love it. I had no idea how special being a mom is & thank heavens I didn't because I'm not sure if I would have made it through all those tough years. 

 Cassie sent me this picture the other day from when Ruby was only a few days old. Can't believe how much she's grown already. I want to slow time down because I just don't feel like I can soak her up fast enough.