Tyler & Bekah

Sick

2012-02-29T10:01:00.001-08:00

Ruby & I are sick. I was sent home from our pediatrician's office a week ago with a pat on the back & the Dr. telling me, "Don't worry honey, it's just a cold." Something about being called honey rubs me the wrong way. Especially when it comes from a Dr. who thinks I'm a paranoid first-time mom. She didn't say it, but I felt it. Or maybe I am a paranoid first-time mom & just imagined it. Either way, I took her back in this week & was told that she has an ear infection & upper respiratory infection. I was so sad for Ruby, but that diagnosis was validation that I do know when something is wrong with my baby. So we've stayed inside & had a quiet week. Sometimes it's nice to have an excuse to take a break. Even if it comes with a sinus infection & allergies that I swear will be the death of me.

Irony

2012-02-22T19:10:00.000-08:00

I've always heard women talk about how after childbirth they go through a period of time where they just can't think. It's like their brain cells are somehow sucked up by that infant & any remaining are zapped by sleepless nights & the sudden realization that there is no longer any time for themselves. I spent a lot of years wanting to be pregnant & romanticizing the idea of me with a cute baby bump, buying adorable maternity clothes, decorating a nursery & picking out names. That scenario is so far from my actual life it's laughable. And I'm not sure when, but at some point I suddenly became okay with that. Given the choice, I would've picked pregnancy over this barren womb of mine, but I must admit, barrenness has its perks. No weight gain, no crazy hormones, no painful labor horror story, no recovery time once my baby is here, & no period of time where my mind suddenly stops working. So I'm confused as to why ever since Ruby has arrived I can't seem to remember what I went upstairs to get. Now I know it was important because I sprinted up them, or was that because I wanted to count that as my daily exercise? I don't know, I can't remember. I suddenly have a total inability to organize my time & thoughts. This is agonizing for a Type A, OCD person like myself. Six months ago I would have been irritated with someone that resembled this new version of myself. I would've wanted them to step aside so I could show them how it's done. I'm just wondering if my brain will ever come back. And if so, at what point does this happen? And does it become worse with each child? I really thought this was something I would avoid altogether. I should be able to listen to other moms lament about this while I internally smirk and revel in my ultra-organized, together life. It seems that Mother Nature has a sense of humor. I, for one, don't think she's all that funny.

Progress

2012-02-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

Last week trying to feed Ruby solids looked like this:

And yesterday it looked like this:

She was loving it & I couldn't believe how quickly she changes in just a week's time.

She has gotten so big:

And we still can't get enough of this face & those cheeks:

Valentine's Recap

2012-02-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Tyler & I stayed at home with Ruby. I made dinner & dessert, Tyler finished up a paper for school & then we watched a movie which we could hardly hear because Ruby was babbling so loudly. That girl has gotten so loud & we think it's the cutest thing. Our gifts to one another were simple - cards with notes written inside. We're big on writing notes to each other for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's & sometimes even just because. Tyler asked what my Valentine's expectations were - that boy has gotten smarter after almost 9 years of marriage. I told him I didn't want any gifts or flowers. He was off of school for the night & just being with him was enough. I like the simplicity of our love. There was a time when our love was so exciting that it kept me awake at night & everything else in my life fell by the wayside. But I've found that that was only the beginning of love & a more superficial form. Our love now is deep & calm & steady. And that is the kind of love that lasts forever.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2012-02-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

She's Back

2012-02-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

Ruby is back to her old self again & I am so grateful because we have had a rough go of it lately. I believe we finally have her reflux under control & it is truly amazing the difference that has made. That baby is heaven on earth. We've spent this week going on walks, playing the piano, avoiding a lady at the mall who had no awareness of Ruby's & my personal space, & the usual day to day things. Tyler was even able to spend most of the day with us today which was the best. I often think of all that I want & then days like today remind me how selfish that is. I love watching Ruby laugh hysterically at everything Tyler does & I love that she's become such a mama's girl. It's a good reminder that I have everything I need in those 2 people. It seems I can never find enough time to get it all done, & my back aches from holding that chubby baby, & Tyler is way too busy, & there are a lot of things I wish were different about myself. But this is our life & I'm glad it is.

Ruby's Room

2012-02-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

I've had requests to post pictures of Ruby's room but don't feel like my pictures really do it justice. We had about 3 months to get her nursery together which was great because it motivated us to work quickly.

I knew I wanted to do the scalloped border around the room & so Tyler made a template & then traced it onto contact paper which we applied to the walls & then just painted below it. For those who have asked: the key is to paint downwards over the contact paper rather than up so it doesn't leak under the seal.

The bedding was all made by Tyler's mom & it was such a labor of love.

This dresser was mine growing up & was still in great shape so we had it painted & put new knobs on & it was just like new. Part of the reason we decided on the name Ruby comes from the verse in Proverbs where it says, "She is more precious than rubies: & all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.", which is why I added it to the birdcage/picture display. So fitting for this little girl we were hoping & praying for all those years. And there are also 2 pictures of her great-grandmas and even though they're gone, I want her to know their stories.

My crafty sis-in-law made the Ruby sign with all of her birth stats & the picture below it was mine when I was little & I've always loved it. And although you can't really see it, the bottom shelves have lots & lots of books. We're big on books around here.

My mother-in-law helped me make the curtains & my sis-in-law gave me the little pink sign. And right below is my beloved rocking chair that I am finally getting to use. So there you have it.

Oh, & here is the best part of the room. No surprises there.

Empathy

2012-02-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

Today Ruby threw up in my mouth. Yes, you read that correctly. Anybody who's ever watched America's Funniest Home Videos knows this is an inevitability when it comes to parenting. It was only a matter of time before it happened & I'm probably lucky I've gone 5 months before experiencing this. She has acid reflux really bad which has caused her to have crying fits lately. And when I say crying fits I mean both of us are crying. That is one of the worst feelings when you can tell your baby is feeling miserable & there's nothing you can do about it. Thank heavens I have a mom who is a NICU nurse because she & the other nurses she works with have been putting their heads together to come up with some solutions. And I must say, they have so many more ideas than the pediatrician ever gives.

Today has been the best day she's had in about a week & I'm just hoping it lasts. All day long I've felt the need to knock on wood & throw salt over my shoulder. And when I tasted her throw up in my mouth this morning I realized just how miserable she's been because I have never tasted anything so awful in my life. Seriously. I got a little taste (pun) of what she's been going through & it's horrible. But today she was perfect, so even though I've tasted another human being's throw up, I am grateful for this day.

5 Months

2012-01-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
-Mother Teresa

Although I agonize a bit over how quickly our baby is growing, I have to admit, each month is more fun than the last one. Each month is also more work than the last one, but I still love it. I have found that as I have poured all of my love & energy into this little person that my heart has been healed & I feel whole again. A very happy 5 months, indeed.

Just Because

2012-01-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

Everything

2012-01-23T20:45:00.000-08:00

Today Ruby had her check-up appointment & her next round of shots. I couldn't help but wonder if the lady giving those shots knew that she was ripping my heart out as she poked my baby's chubby thighs. Poor Ruby was smiling & cooing at this lady even through the first shot until she realized what was going on and started screaming. When I was out & about the other day I was talking with an older lady who was admiring Ruby & she said, "You know, if you have a healthy baby you really have everything." And I kept thinking about that as the Doctor was giving me a glowing report of my healthy baby girl today & how she's right on the mark developmentally. I could hardly contain myself I was so proud of my little girl. It's a silly thing to be proud over & yet I was beaming. I just feel so incredibly grateful for this baby that I can call my own.

20 + 8

2012-01-17T11:50:00.000-08:00

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." Eleanor Roosevelt

I had a birthday & adding another year to my life has left me feeling a bit older & wiser. This past year of my life has been an exciting one & a happy one. 27 has been good to me. And a lot of that has to do with that perfect face in the pictures above. Good heavens, that girl has brought joy & fulfillment unlike any I've ever known.

I Believe in Pretty

2012-01-12T19:38:00.000-08:00

The Death of Pretty

By Pat Archibald

This post is intended as a lament of sorts, a lament for something in the culture that is dying and may never been seen again.

People will define pretty differently. For the purposes of this piece, I define pretty as a mutually enriching balanced combination of beauty and projected innocence.

Once upon a time, women wanted to project an innocence. I am not idealizing another age and I have no illusions about the virtues of our grandparents, concupiscence being what it is. But some things were different in the back then. First and foremost, many beautiful women, whatever the state of their souls, still wished to project a public innocence and virtue. And that combination of beauty and innocence is what I define as pretty.

By nature, generally when men see this combination in women it brings out their better qualities, their best in fact. That special combination of beauty and innocence, the pretty inspires men to protect and defend it.

Young women today do not seem to aspire to pretty, they prefer to be regarded as hot. Hotness is something altogether different. When women want to be hot instead of pretty, they must view themselves in a certain way and consequently men view them differently as well.

As I said, pretty inspires men’s nobler instincts to protect and defend. Pretty is cherished. Hotness, on the other hand, is a commodity. Its value is temporary and must be used. It is a consumable.

Nowhere is this pretty deficit more obvious than in our “stars,” the people we elevate as the “ideal.” The stars of the fifties surely suffered from the same sin as do stars of today. Stars of the fifties weren’t ideal but they pursued a public ideal different from today.

The merits of hotness over pretty is easy enough to understand, they made an entire musical about it. Who can forget how pretty Olivia Newton John was at the beginning of Grease. Beautiful and innocent. But her desire to be desired leads her to throw away all that is valuable in herself in the vain hopes of getting the attention of a boy. In the process, she destroys her innocence and thus destroys the pretty. What we are left with is hotness.

Hotness is a consumable. A consumable that consumes as it is consumed but brings no warmth.

Most girls don’t want to be pretty anymore even if they understand what it is. It is ironic that 40 years of women’s liberation has succeeded only in turning women into a commodity. Something to be used up and thrown out.

Of course men play a role in this as well, but women should know better and they once did. Once upon a time you would hear girls talk about kind of women men date and the kind they marry. You don’t hear things like that anymore.

But here is the real truth. Most men prefer pretty over hot. Even back in 6th grade I hated the “hot” Olivia Newton John and felt sorry for her that she had to debase herself in such a way. Still do.

Our problem is that society doesn’t value innocence anymore, real or imagined. Nobody aspires to innocence anymore. Nobody wants to be thought of as innocent, the good girl. They want to be hot, not pretty.

I still hope that pretty comes back, although I think it not likely any time soon. For every Taylor Swift, there are a hundred Megan Foxs, or Lindsay Lohans, or Miley Cyruses etc.

Girls, please, bring back the pretty.

The Life of a Baby

2012-01-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

It blows my mind how quickly our baby is growing up. Here's what she's been doing lately:

Being adorable

Playing with toys & practicing her "attitude" face. Let's hope that was unintentional.

Sitting in her bouncy seat outside & loving every minute of it.

This girl is obsessed with being outside & we LOVE it! She can be out there for hours with us & won't make a peep. Tyler is convinced this means she's going to love the outdoors & camping as much as him. I can't wait to see if she likes swimming this summer!

Sitting up with a little bit of help.

Hanging upside down

She has also learned to spit which I surprisingly find kind of cute...only a mother's love I guess. And she loves when I read books to her - she'll sit through several of them & turns her head left to right really fast looking at the pages. She's the best sleeper around (which I will forever thank Babywise for) & she loves her mama. I love the way her eyes follow me when I leave, & how she kicks & squeals when I come to get her out of her crib, & how she seems to reserve some of her very best smiles & laughs for me. I feel such a connection with this little person & it reminds me that we were always meant to be together. It was always her that we were waiting for.

Disaster

2012-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

The other day we had our third & final supervisory visit with our caseworker. We're required to do these visits before Ruby is 6 months old so our agency can make sure everything is going well & Ruby is in a healthy & happy environment. It seems like there are quite a few Walmart patrons who could use some supervisory visits if you ask me...just saying. So we have a new caseworker who we love & she came to our home for the first time to ask us questions which basically gives us a platform to gush about how perfect/brilliant/wonderful our baby girl is. Ruby was down for her nap & as we were all sitting & talking I heard her wake up so I & went upstairs to get her & bring her down for our visit. Now I am positive that I put my baby down in that crib but I swear it was an entirely different baby there an hour later. This baby went from pouty to hysterical in no more than 5 seconds. I'm talking fists clenched, red face, & screaming so loud she was practically shaking. If I hadn't been there for the birth I might have sworn this was an evil twin I didn't know about. We tried everything to calm her down & I reluctantly brought her downstairs & she became more hysterical by the minute. Between nervous/awkward chuckles & promises that "She's never like this, really!" I was feeling like I was back at square one with this whole parenting thing. As I silently prayed she would stop, the shrieks only became louder. She was turning on me. What human being was even capable of making those sounds? It was as if she had entirely forgotten who changes her diapers, feeds her, burps her, dresses her & did she even remember our wonderful afternoon? I let her coo & babble at ridiculously high volumes in the fabric store despite all the attention it was drawing. So Tyler just took her back upstairs & then for a walk & brought her back in without a bow in her hair. Well all Hell had officially broken loose at this point. She eventually calmed down but would do a little heave every so often just to keep me in panic mode. After our caseworker left, Tyler & I just looked at each other completely baffled. What on earth had just occured in our home? I still have no idea. But I do know that she was happy as can be for the rest of the night. So Ruby, thanks for humbling me & reminding me to not get too comfortable with this parenting stuff. I'll take the bad with the good, but all I ask is that next time you go berserk, just do it when we don't have company, because that was uncalled for. Deal? Deal.

A Fresh Start

2012-01-03T22:18:00.000-08:00

I love the new year & how it suddenly feels like you have a blank slate with endless possibilities right in front of you. It always makes me think about my life, where I am, & where I want to be. There's an excitement in not knowing what this new year will bring. 2011 was the Year of the Baby for us & it was one that I'll forever remember as one of the happiest times in my life. It kind of felt like an exhale.

I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish - things like going grocery shopping every Monday (why do I have such an aversion to grocery shopping?!), working out (I hate this more than grocery shopping), & making a conscious effort to stop snorting when I laugh. About 6 months into 2011 I started snorting when I laugh really hard & especially when I'm tired. I have gone 27.5 years snort-free & now I develop this awful habit. It's so strange & I'm determined to get this monkey off my back. But my main goal for 2012 is to fill my life with good things. Things like good literature, more time outdoors, good music, & less time on my computer & cell phone. I want to surround myself more fully with the positive & uplifting because there's so much of it in the world & I feel like I've barely even scratched the surface of all that's available. So I'm going to strive for feeding myself physically, mentally & spiritually each day. Here's to another great year!

4 Months

2011-12-30T22:13:00.000-08:00

"For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."
-Rosemonde Gerard-

The depth of our love for this baby is impossible to describe. But simply put, Tyler & I agree that this has been the best 4 months of our lives. I'm just trying to figure out what on earth we ever did without her.

This Christmas

2011-12-27T17:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come & gone faster than ever before. Our Christmas tree looks bare without all the presents, our Christmas music is turned off & now the task begins of putting everything away. Which is never as fun as getting it all out. When Christmas ends it always makes me a little sad, & a month just doesn't seem to be long enough for all of this celebrating. This year was our best one yet & I just love having a baby in my arms more than anything else in the world. I'm already dreaming of having more.

Tired baby who could hardly nap with all the excitement going on around her.

This present we got for Ruby was a hit. We seriously could not believe how much she loved it. I can't even tell you how many times during the month of December I was tempted to unwrap it & just give it to her. As soon as we put her under it her eyes got so wide & she started kicking & squealing. Too cute for words.

This little girl was spoiled this Christmas by family & friends - no surprises there. And this cute little lion came in the mail today for her from a friend in California. It seems to have passed the taste test.

I have a feeling she's going to love Christmas as much as me.

A Few of My Favorite Things

2011-12-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Here are some things that I'm loving these days:

Fall has finally come to our front yard.

Tyler is on break from school until January & today is his last day of work for a week. I have been counting down the days until this happened & I can hardly believe it's here. I am a huge fan of mandatory shutdown at his work! I actually get to spend extended periods of time with him & we're going to work on projects around the house & probably mention about a million times a day how cute our baby is. And then we'll call each other to come quick because Ruby will be doing something so amazing & adorable like...smiling or cooing. Which we've seen hundreds of times but never seems to get old. I'm already in Heaven just thinking about this much needed break.

Loving this angel baby who made me a mom & has the most kissable cheeks I've ever encountered. And I'm loving the continual reminder that people are incredibly kind & this world is still a very good place. We are still receiving presents for Ruby from people who have never even met her. Tyler's co-worker sent home the most thoughtful gift for Ruby - a pair of earrings for her in her birthstone & the sweetest note. I'm once again overwhelmed by how much love this little girl has brought into our lives. I can't wait until I can tell her all about it. And I'm loving that Christmas falls on a Sunday this year so that I'll have that much needed reminder about what all of this seasonal hoopla is really about. And to top it all off my entire family will be in town for Christmas. Can I get a Hallelujah?!

Zoo Lights

2011-12-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

Last night we headed to Phoenix to see Zoo Lights with about every other person who lives in AZ. We had no idea so many people went to this. Ruby was really excited:

Or terrified? I felt like the mom from A Christmas Story putting so many layers & blankets on her she couldn't move. She got a great view of the parking lot & then fell fast asleep the moment we walked into the zoo. Unfortunate for her because lights are pretty much her favorite right now.

Jacob lost his 2 front teeth just in time for Christmas, and I even got to pull one of them. I looove pulling teeth.

And then Justin & I decided to race each other down the "Polar Slide" on tubes. We immediately regretted our decision after we payed $3 & stood in a line of mostly little kids for 15 minutes while Justin got his feet intentionally stepped on by a 10 year old bully. Our general consensus on Zoo Lights was that it was overrated & overcrowded & we were really glad our tickets were free. But I'll take overrated & overcrowded any day when we can be with that family of ours.

Happy December

2011-12-13T15:46:00.000-08:00

How I love the month of December! This really is the best time of the year. The time of year that I start getting excited for in July. I am obsessed with Christmas & I try desperately to get Tyler on board with me each year. Not that he doesn't love it too, but he just won't get excited about having a Christmas tree up when it's mid-November. And he thinks it's a little crazy when he comes home from work & I'm listening to Christmas music when Halloween hasn't come yet. Despite my incessant Grinch comments to him he won't be swayed. But now we can both be excited because it's December. We went and saw the play White Christmas last weekend and it was wonderful. Do you love this movie as much as I do? I could watch it a million times & never get sick of it. The singing & the dancing & Bing Crosby & Danny Kaye...it's magical. I wish we would have taken a picture of us going to the show but it seems I only take pictures of a certain baby these days. It was very glamarous though, I was even carrying a purse instead of a diaper bag. Date nights have become so strange - while it's so great to have time with just the two of us, we both miss Ruby like crazy. Sometimes Tyler catches me staring at pictures of her on my cellphone. It's really kind of pathetic actually.

But can you blame me?! I mean, just look at that face! While I am completely aware that Ruby could care less about Christmas, this is still going to be the best one that we've ever had. I just knew that last Christmas would be the last one we would have with just the two of us. I was sitting on the couch the other night holding Ruby & looking at the Christmas tree, & suddenly it hit me all at once how much I've been given in this one tiny person. And you better believe I'm going to enjoy this one last year of having my Christmas tree perfect & untouched by little hands.

Dads

2011-12-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

I have a distinct memory from my childhood of a time when my mom was out of town & my dad was helping me get ready for church. We couldn't find my church shoes so naturally he put me in my hot pink hightops & then proceeded to "fix" my hair. If only we had a picture of what I looked like that day, but the mental picture I have is quite clear & even at about 6 years of age I can remember showing up at church mortified. At times watching Tyler be a dad has reminded me of that moment in time with my dad. He loves Ruby like crazy but dad's just don't do things quite the same way mom's do. The other night he ran to the store with Ruby to grab a few things & carried her in with boxes of Similac on top of her. Something I never would have done & yet she had a look of indifference on her face:

On the rare occasion that Tyler has to get Ruby ready I have to admit that I feel a bit of anxiety. Will he get her bow on right? Will he do something crazy with her outfit? One never knows with a dad. But what I do know is that she's a lucky girl to have this guy in her life because he's as good as it gets.

He texted me yesterday morning and asked if I would send him some pictures of Ruby because he missed her. When I called him so he could hear Ruby laugh he put me on speakerphone & called over his co-workers to listen. Yes, he's that guy & he's proud to be. He loves to hold her & talk to her & still has a hard time sharing her. I love watching this boy be a dad. And I know Ruby will love having him as her dad. She is one lucky girl. One lucky girl who will continue to be tortured by prickly kisses, who will be riled up before bedtime & might someday have a few experiences like the one I had with my dad. That dad of mine who never missed a single soccer game (even the ones he got kicked out of...another story for another day...), who would come & find me if I was out past curfew, & who I saw cry for the first time when I came down the stairs dressed for Prom.

3 Months

2011-11-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

Having a baby does interesting things to time. There seems to never be enough of it & no matter how much you want it to slow down, it seems to continually speed up. I can't believe 3 months have already flown by & I still can't believe how deliriously happy this little person makes us. This is the life we were meant for.

Ruby is usually so smiley & I could barely get her to grin for these pictures. She is the happiest baby, loves to sleep, is laughing more & more, & is really figuring out how to control her hands. She is determined to become a thumb-sucker & much of our days consist of her figuring out how to stick her thumb in her mouth while she sucks on it like a maniac until I run over & pull it out & replace it with her pacifier. Now she's figured out how to suck on her hand & her pacifier at the same time. It's really loud which is awesome when we're in church & it gets really quiet. I guess we'll see who will have the last laugh. Happy 3 months baby girl!

Today

2011-11-22T15:35:00.000-08:00

Today has been long. Today has been tiring. And it's only 4pm. My mom & I went shopping for much of the day yesterday while Ruby happily slept in her stroller & was getting more off schedule as each hour passed by. And today I am paying dearly for getting her off that schedule that makes her the happiest & best baby when it's strictly adhered to. I'm a firm believer in schedules but I'm also a firm believer in getting a good deal at Baby Gap when I can. So instead of going home we shopped & got Ruby some really cute clothes. I did however, stay far away from Pottery Barn Kids seeing as they now know Ruby by name - no joke. What's weird is that I haven't even bought anything from there but I must go in a lot more than I realized. Today has had some really good parts though.

As I was asking Ruby, "Why are you so fussy today?" she started laughing. Not just chuckling, but belly laughing. I about died it was so cute. She did it a few more times and as I ran for the video camera she stopped. She's done it a few more times but every time I try to get proof of it she stops. Tyler sat on speaker phone for quite some time listening to me act like an idiot to make our baby girl laugh. So yes, it's only 4 pm but I believe Ruby is back on schedule & I got her to laugh. Success.

Beauty is Pain

2011-11-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

I've been going back & forth with how soon I wanted to have Ruby's ears pierced but I finally decided to do it while she's young so then she'll be used to it. I can still remember having mine done when I was 4 & almost fainting & then not wanting them to do the other ear. Yes, I was a drama queen. She just had her 2 month shots last Wednesday so it's kind of been a traumatic week for both of us. My sister-in-law Sarah came along to document & give moral support. She's a pro having had 2 girls that both have had their ears pierced at Ruby's age.

At this point I was feeling really really bad that I was doing this to her. Poor baby! Is it just me or does it look like the employee has an evil grin behind that curtain of hair?

Aren't those cheeks to die for?? I can't get enough of them!

These were taken after waking up from her nap. Happy as can be & totally back to her old self. I'm glad I did it & can't help but smile every time I look at her with her little earrings in. So cute!

Letters to Ruby

2011-11-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

When Tyler & I were waiting to adopt I started writing letters to our future children. I thought it would be a special thing for our kids to be able to read about the things we thought about & felt as we waited for them. I was reading over some of these letters the other day & this line that I wrote reminded me of Ruby - "I suppose that is one of the many miracles of love - when you think it's impossible to be any more in love with a person than you already are, your heart surprises you & makes a little more room". I was talking about Tyler when I wrote it but it is exactly the way it's been with Ruby. In the midst of this crazy life we have these amazing moments where our heart kind of stops & reminds us that the very best things are often right in front of our faces.

This face is a frequent reminder of that truth. Any time I have to leave her with someone I drive far too fast to go pick her up & even my worst days with her are far better than my best days without her.

Halloween 2011

2011-11-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that Tyler & I are big on Halloween & this year we decided to go as Homer & Marge Simpson. Tyler wanted to shave his head completely bald for the occasion but thank heavens he settled for a really short buzz. We definitely learned what kind of yellow face paint not to buy & won't be making that mistake again.

By far the best part of Halloween was dressing Ruby up in her costume. She was the cutest mermaid you've ever seen.

Don't be fooled by Ruby's expression, she's loving every minute of it.

My other mermaid. Precious, I know.

2 Months

2011-11-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

It makes me a little sad to think that Ruby is already 2 months old. Actually a lot sad. She's growing like crazy & I just want her to stop it. She's growing out of her clothes so fast & her cheeks & thighs keep getting chubbier - I'm in love! I swear this girl gets more beautiful by the minute. She's smiling like crazy & is a great sleeper which is fantastic because mama needs her beauty sleep.

Looking at this face never gets old. She is such a happy baby & my favorite time with her is in the morning. She is all smiles & sometimes it's hard to get her to eat because all she wants to do is smile. Man I love this girl!

Cousins

2011-10-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law Lauren took some pictures of the girl cousins recently & we really gave her a challenge with 3 little girls that didn't want to hold still & liked to look in 3 different directions, but she did a great job.

Lyvi is such a little mama which she totally gets from Sarah (her mom). I love how she's just trying to make Ruby happy in this one. I didn't think I could love our nieces & nephews any more than I already did, & then watching them with Ruby makes me love them 10x more.

June & Ruby were born a year and a day apart. August is going to be a fun month.

Holding hands

Thanks Lauren!

Life As We Know It

2011-10-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

Lately I've come to the realization that life isn't perfect after adoption. Kind of seems like I should have seen this one coming, no?

This is perfect:

This, however, is not:

A caseworker told me that I would have moments periodically that would sting & would be a reminder of my loss. I've had those moments a lot lately as people have asked if Ruby looks like her mom, meaning her birthmom. I know it's completely innocent & I have to remind myself that I would most likely be asking the same thing if I had never adopted, but it feels like a punch to the stomach every time. I'm her mom & no, she doesn't look a thing like me. In fact, sometimes I think that's a good thing because Jeremy & Cassie's genes mixed quite beautifully if I do say so myself. I was talking with a friend today who adopted a baby before me & she reminded me that adoption is a process, not an event. I need to make peace with that & embrace the fact that we're no longer dealing with the "ideal" or the "normal". And the truth of the matter is I can't imagine my life being anything other than what it is. I know that things are exactly as they should be & I know that adoption was our path & I know that Ruby is our daughter. I wish everyone understood that the way we do but it's an unrealistic wish. I can't change the world & I shouldn't be overly sensitive & expect people to understand something that most know nothing about. So I guess that leaves me with changing myself. It's time to dig a little deeper, toughen up, & let it go. When I realized years ago that I would probably never be pregnant I promised myself that I would never let this experience make me bitter. So do your worst world, I can take it.

Sunday Best

2011-10-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ruby went to church for the first time the Sunday before last. I was thrilled that she fit into this adorable outfit/headband that Justin & Sarah gave her. She did awesome & slept through the first part but by the end she was a little done. So I hung out in the Mother's Lounge with her for the last 30 minutes or so. Umm, why has no one told me how fun the Mother's Lounge is? It's like a little club for women.

I was talking to one girl who was asking all about Ruby's story. She was asking about my infertility & what all I tried to get pregnant. I told her that we tried for the required year to get pregnant before starting fertility but deep down I knew that it wasn't right for us. I pushed that feeling away for a while thinking that it was just the hormones making me crazy...which they were...just in other ways. Finally I couldn't ignore the feeling any more & adoption kept coming to my mind. I talked to Tyler about it and at first he wasn't interested. He was so set on having a baby that had our features but after he looked at pictures on itsaboutlove.org of families being sealed in the temple to their babies, he was sold. It took him about a week & then he was 100% on board with me. As we waited the long months before we finally got Ruby, I was tempted to try different fertility options. It seemed so much easier & way less complicated. But always that feeling came back so strong that I knew it wasn't right for us. And now I know that I felt that way because Ruby was ours & she had to come to us through adoption. And I know that God needed me to feel that so strongly so I wouldn't just throw in the towel & be done with it all. As I was telling my new friend all this, I looked up from feeding Ruby & was surprised to see that she was crying. She said, "You're right, she's your baby & this is exactly how she was supposed to come to you." I love it when people "get" us. And I love the Mother's Lounge.

Grandma

2011-10-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

My mom was over tonight & I got these pictures of her with Ruby. I am loving how Ruby has started being so interested in everything going on around her. She loves to look at people when they hold her.

Having a daughter of my own has made me think a lot about how to be the best parent that I can be. How do I teach her how to be a strong woman who knows who she is & is kind to others? How do I teach her how amazing her relationship with God can be & how to live a life that she can always be proud of? How do I teach her that she can tell me anything, good or bad, & I'll always be there for her? How do I teach her to love books & good music? How do I teach her to be honest especially when it's inconvenient? How do I teach her to laugh at herself & not take life too seriously? How do I teach her to get an education so that she can be independent & confident in her abilities? How do I teach her to forgive & love life? How do I teach her to get through the hard times & find happiness in the small things? I wish my mom could tell me exactly how she taught me those things but the more I think about it the more I realize that even though she told me those things all the time she also showed them to me. As I struggled with going through hard times in my life I thought about what my mom did when life was hard. And I remember that she always kept going & her faith was always solid. She taught me to pick up the pieces when life seems to fall apart & that it's okay that other people know that you're having a hard time. She taught me that we don't have to be perfect, because who likes a perfect person anyway? She has always been honest & real & my ideal mom. We were never allowed to indulge in self-pity or feel sorry for ourselves for more than just a little bit. She taught me everything I should be by just being it herself. I'm so grateful for my good mama & for her example that teaches me that I've got a lot of work to do. This parenting stuff isn't for sissies.

October

2011-10-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love this time of year in Arizona. As it'll be starting to get cold in other places we're just getting into months of gorgeous weather. This time of year always takes me back to when Tyler & I were dating. We were spending every waking minute together & head over heels in love. I remember thinking that I would never be bored with Tyler. And 8 years later that's still true. There's never a dull moment & we have developed a sense of humor that I think sometimes only the 2 of us understand. We've managed to convince ourselves that we're the most hilarious people in the world & I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Ruby can agree with us...or be really embarrassed by us...time will tell.

Tyler's been insanely busy with church, work & getting his MBA. We definitely have to make the most of our time together because there seems to never be enough of it. It leaves me feeling a bit like I'm missing my left arm or something. And my mother-in-law has had Ruby for several hours which feels a lot like missing another limb as well. I'm afraid I've become far too attached to these precious people. Here's what Fall looks like around our place:

Grapefruit! Can't wait for these to be ripe. Tyler & I love all the citrus in our backyard - lemons, limes, grapefruits, & oranges = heaven.

And once again at this time of year I'm falling in love. This time with our baby girl & it seems to be again & again & again. Ruby had her 1 month doctor appointment today & is now 9lbs. 14oz. and 23 inches. Everyone goes crazy over her when I bring her in which I'm sure they do with every baby, but I still feel a ridiculous amount of pride when they do it over my baby. And they call me "mom" when I'm there which is likely because they have no idea what my acutal name is, but I still love it. I had no idea how special being a mom is & thank heavens I didn't because I'm not sure if I would have made it through all those tough years.

Cassie sent me this picture the other day from when Ruby was only a few days old. Can't believe how much she's grown already. I want to slow time down because I just don't feel like I can soak her up fast enough.

1 Month

2011-09-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

This gorgeous girl is 1 month old today & I absolutely can't get enough of her. I remember before we even knew that we were getting her I would have the most vivid dreams of a perfect baby girl. They were the kind of dreams that feel like reality & I remember the feeling of being able to hold & love this baby. I hated waking up because I would feel an aching in my heart & a longing unlike any other. I think I survived our years of infertility by being blessed with the ability to forget & focus on other things. But these dreams made forgetting impossible.

Looking at these pictures makes me so grateful that it's finally my turn. I finally get to be a mom, finally have a baby I can call my own, & finally we are a family. It often seemed like this day would never come as I watched everyone around me get their turn & seemingly pass me by. But the time that I dreamed of & longed for is here & I'm loving every minute of it.

Dads & Daughters

2011-09-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

A friend of ours emailed me the link to this article & I loved it. It's for sure getting printed off & referred to often in our home. After all, anyone this cute deserves the best.

http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

On a side note, there is just something amazing about watching your baby gain weight, grow & change. This little girl slept until 6:15 this morning & I'm pretty sure she would have slept longer if her dad didn't go in & wake her up. It is the most bizarre thing to wake up after a full night's sleep. Confusion is quickly followed by panic. A sleeping baby is beautiful thing.

Keepin' It Real

2011-09-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

We had a surprise visitor the other day & I swear these drop-ins always happen when I'm most unprepared. The nicest lady from our ward showed up with gifts for Ruby. It was so sweet but all I could think about was the fact that I was in my pajamas at 2 in the afternoon, my hair resembled something a bird lives in, & I wasn't wearing a bra. And Ruby was in a diaper. Only a diaper. We were the picture of white trash. I think that may be the one time in Ruby's life that she wasn't dressed with a headband on. I wanted to apologize for how heinous we looked & give her a list of about 10 reasons why we looked this way & promise that we normally don't. Instead I just stood there & thanked her & told her all about Ruby while a part of me was dying inside. I used to wonder what stay-at-home moms did all day.

It's amazing how much work something so small can be. I had a huge list of things I was going to accomplish today. Instead we just read books, sang songs, took a nap together & enjoyed each other. I'm so afraid I'm going to blink & she'll be grown. So I'm learning to let go of the lists, agendas, & expectations & just live in the present. Maybe that's why those stay-at-home moms were always so busy after all.

What Today Looked Like

2011-09-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

“Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.”

― Joseph F. Smith

Changes

2011-09-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe Ruby is 3 weeks old when it seems like I can't really remember my life without her. Tyler & I were laughing the other day about how different our lives our now. We talk pretty regularly about poop (Ruby's of course), we're total suckers for any movement or sound our little baby makes, I have a significant section of my closet that contains dry clean only clothing that will probably be lonely for a while, we're fiercely over-protective & we're both totally convinced that the sun rises & sets with this little girl. The question I've been asked a lot lately is what has surprised me most about motherhood. And I have to say that it's how much I love Ruby. I knew I would love her & I would love being a mom but this is just so much more than that. It's truly the best. Now that I have Ruby I look at her & think of all the times I was so frustrated with the waiting & heartbreak. And I realize now that I would've waited forever for this little girl. And I know that when we renew our adoption certication in a year that I will feel all of that again. But I also realize that the waiting & wanting & hoping has blessed us to love in a way that I don't think we could've ever loved before.

This was taken the morning Tyler had to go back to work, which is why he looks so sad. He had 2 weeks of paternity leave & it pretty much made us both wish that we could just stay home together all the time with Ruby. Jobs and income are way overrated anyway, right?

And this is pretty much what Ruby looks like in every picture I take of her - one eye partly open. Which is weird because I've taken like a million so you would think the odds would be a little more in my favor. She's already inherited Tyler's squinting...crap.

Beautiful Baby

2011-09-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

My friend Mary is an amazing photographer & gifted me a newborn photo session of Ruby. These are her 2 week old pictures & I look at them multiple times a day. I LOVE them! Check her out at marryjordan.com, she is awesome to work with!

Aren't they incredible?! I think she captured her perfectly. Ruby did great until the outdoor shots. She pooped on the white blanket & then peed all over Tyler, which was hilarious. I'm still amazed at how much can come out of such a teeny little thing. Is it weird that I felt a little satisfied after I'd been peed on, pooped on, & spit up on in the first week? I felt like a real mom & that is the greatest feeling in the world. Even if it does mean that half way through the day you realize a chunk of your hair is stuck together from dried spit up. And I had the best intentions of washing it out at some point in time....ahhh, the joys of motherhood.

After the Birth

2011-09-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

After paperwork was signed we had to wait for the state of Utah & the state of Arizona to give us clearance to come back home. It ended up taking a while because the offices were closed over Labor Day, but we were able to see Cassie & her family again which was really great for all of us. Cassie & her family invited us to her family reunion in Park City so we got to meet all of her extended family & they even had us in their family pictures which was so sweet.

I know openness in adoption is something that scares a lot of people & is a hard thing to understand. Tyler & I didn't feel like we really understood it until after Ruby was born. Cassie in no way tries to be Ruby's mom. She's her birthmom & that role is clearly defined. When someone you love so much gives you the most incredible gift you develop a bond that is deep & unique. We want to share Ruby's life with Cassie because we love her & we love Ruby. I don't think anyone can understand this unless they've experienced what we have, but all I can say is that this relationship is a healthy & happy one. We don't feel threatened in our role as Ruby's parents because Cassie is so wonderful to us. And it's an amazing thing to have another person in the world that loves your daughter like you do. We say time & again what a lucky baby Ruby is. She has an incredible story. (Sorry for my adoption tangents, I can't help myself.)

Loving this picture

Placement

2011-09-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

48 hours after Ruby was born Tyler & I went to the hospital to sign paperwork so that she would officially be ours. Placement is emotionally exhausting to say the least. In fact, I've never been so emotionally drained in all my life. I was in Utah for 3 weeks with Tyler flying back & forth as often as possible because we wanted to be sure to be there for the birth. After the birthparents sign paperwork & we sign paperwork we all met up in a room in the hospital to do the actual placement with Ruby. Here's what it looked like.

Us feeling nervous, happy & awful all at once.

Cassie opening all her gifts we gave her. The caseworkers in Utah were so awesome & they had us share our feelings with each other & took all of these pictures for us.

Then they had Cassie literally place Ruby with us. They say this is the most therapeutic way to do it, however, it was heartbreaking & incredibly difficult. Cassie is possibly the strongest person I've ever met.

On the drive home from the hospital between us screaming every 5 minutes, "We have a baby in our backseat!" we had time to talk about everything. Well, not everything. That would have been too overwhelming. We were both spent. But we did talk about how we never in a million years imagined that this is where life would lead us. We were feeling so much happiness & yet there was a big part of our hearts that were completely broken. Adoption involves suffering. We suffered before this baby came, & the birthparents did after. And I hate that, but recognize that it's necessary. We remembered our lives over 8 years ago and thought of a 19 and 22 year old that had their entire lives before them. Kids that were crazy in love & had no idea that they would learn what it feels like to receive one of the most incredible gifts there is to give. Tyler asked if I was okay that I won't ever be able to experience child birth & all that comes with it. And I could honestly say that I'm totally at peace with that. I love my life. It's kind of a hard one at times, but I'm okay with that. And what's so miraculous about adoption is that it brings healing. Tyler & I will heal, & Cassie & Jeremy will heal & life will once again be as it should.

Ruby

2011-09-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

I seriously don't even know where to begin! Ruby was born on August 30 at 10:51 pm. She was 7 lbs. 11 oz. and 19 inches. Tyler & I were both there for the delivery and it was the most amazing experience. I am in awe of our amazing birthmom and how awesome she did! She pushed for 10 minutes and our perfect and beautiful baby girl was welcomed into the world. Tyler & I lost it. I'm talking the ugly tears that deform your face you're crying so hard. We were indescribably happy. I'm attempting to chronicle this process but I don't think the words exist to do it justice, which is so frustrating, but I'll do my best.

This is Cassie, Ruby's birthmom, right before she delivered. Doesn't she look amazing?! When I look at this girl I see someone so incredible. Someone who knows of a love that is selfless & pure. She included us so much during this process & we were able to experience pregnancy & delivery in ways we never thought we'd be able to. I will always remember & forever tell Ruby about the way that Cassie looked at her after she was born. It was unreal. She loves her with a love that is rare & perfect. And that's why she was able to place Ruby. Because she loved her enough to give her what she knew was best. I truly believe that if Cassie had loved Ruby even a tiny bit less or was being selfish in the least, then she never would have been able to give her to us.

I can't even begin to say how obsessed we are with this baby. We both had built this up to be so great that I couldn't imagine reality living up to our expectations. But it far exceeded them. It seems impossible to be able to love this much.

Jeremy - the birthfather. We seriously hit the jackpot with this adoption. Amazing birthparents, family & baby. Jeremy was involved in the whole process which is so rare. He is hilarious & was endlessly entertaining even during the delivery. He & Tyler are a lot alike & it was so fun to see the two of them together. I love that Ruby will always know where she came from & what incredible birthparents she has. What a lucky girl to have so many people that love her so much.

And this is what pure joy looks like. This makes this entire horrible, terrible, no good, very bad process amazing. As difficult as this has been we feel incredibly blessed that we've been able to experience the miracle of adoption. We have felt a love & kindness from innumerable people to the point that it's overwhelming. We've heard so many people say how great it is that we're adopting because they just don't think they would be able to love someone else's baby like their own. But no one can tell me that she hasn't always been ours. There's not a logical explanation for how she is, but she just is. We can do love, that's always been easy for us. And it's no different with this little baby. The connection was instant & now we're a family. I look at her everyday & tell her how worth it she was.

Baby Shower Marathon

2011-08-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

The baby showers have begun! My cousin & aunt are so talented and threw the most amazing shower for me. Martha Stewart's got nothin' on them.

Not sure what the deal is with the face I'm making here...

The mamas

This is me loving the presents & hating being the center of attention.

Sis-in-laws and Tyler's mom. I never wanted sisters growing up & always loved having an older & younger brother. So it's surprised me how much I love having sister-in-laws. Absolutely adore them!

Cousins, aunt & mom

This little girl is going to have the cutest clothes!

Onesies

This was the first baby shower that I had & then some people at Tyler's work gave us one last week. And then I have one more next week. Our house is being filled with all things baby & we're loving every minute of it! The love & support we've received has been overwhelming. We are continually amazed at how kind & generous people are. I get the question a lot if I'm nervous for the baby to come & I'm really not. We've waited so long for this that we can't be anything but excited. These past few months have been heavenly. This baby can't get here fast enough!

At Last

2011-07-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

8 years ago Tyler & I got married and we would talk about some day starting our family. I remember this feeling that I had that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant. I wasn't stressed about it and I wasn't sad about it (yet), but I just had this feeling. And then I remember the pregnancy tests. Oh there were so many, and those stupid things were always negative. And there was always that feeling that maybe, just maybe, this time it might be positive. And then there were the fertility drugs. Klomid = hot flashes, weight gain, unexplained tears, mood swings, headaches, exhaustion, and fear of becoming octomom. I don't know how Tyler survived that time. And then there was the adoption process. Endless paperwork, disclosing every last detail about your life, frustration, heartbreak, and waiting. Lots of waiting. We talked with a lot of birthmoms and each time there was the hope that maybe this time it would be our baby. And I'm so proud to say that after all of that we're still standing. We still love each other like crazy. We're happier than we've ever been. And we're strong. We went through this together, and I really believe it had the potential to tear us apart. And then one day we talked with a couple that were having a baby girl due August 29. We skyped with them and got to see how beautiful and fun they were. We loved them instantly. And we knew deep down that this was our baby. It felt different.

And then these were sent to us with a note saying we were the family that they had picked. We were ecstatic to say the least. And now as we're counting the days until this little baby joins our family, we both look back on all this and know that it was worth it. It's impossible to describe the love that you feel for someone giving you this gift. There's a bond that runs deep and reminds you that you will forever be connected in a way that few can understand. And best of all, Tyler & I get to be there for the delivery. Perfection.

San Diego

2011-07-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

About every 6 months Tyler & I get the itch to travel. We planned a last minute trip to San Diego to get out of this AZ heat. The weather was perfect and I think this will be our last trip before the baby comes. Baby. Baby. Ahh, that word just makes me smile.

San Diego Temple

Look how happy we were. This is before we knew the bike ride we were about to go on would last 4 hours. Yes, 4 hours. And we paid for this torture.

Smog

I kind of dropped the ball with taking pictures on this trip, but we did have a lot of fun. Tyler is my favorite person to travel with - he makes everything way more fun. "Stay classy San Diego".

Remember When

2011-05-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

Tyler....

Remember when we started dating over 8 years ago and we spent every waking minute together and it still wasn't enough? Remember how my eye twitched for the first year I knew you, which is always a sure sign that I'm sleep deprived? Remember when that old man stopped us in the middle of that restaurant and told us that we had something really special that we needed to hold on to? Remember how at the time we didn't even know anyone else in that restaurant existed? Remember how so many people thought we were crazy to get married so young and so fast and remember how completely wrong they were? Remember how we thought it would be impossible to be any more in love then we were then? Remember how the last 8 years have been the happiest time of our lives? Remember how you're still my favorite?

-Bekah

Take 5 deep breaths...

2011-03-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Tyler has said this to me on several occasions since we've moved into our new house. Lots of changes going on with us, but I would say good ones. Here's the latest:

-Got the house we were dieing for and have been painting, decorating and making it home...it's the best! (and exhausting)

-Finding renters for our condo. Side note: 4 Nigerians tried to scam us. FOUR! All I know is that "Cynthia Mack" really wanted to rent our place and is likely a man who lives in Nigeria, not the UK like "she" said. Yes Cynthia, I will be sending you all of my bank account info stat. (we did find a renter that we think will be great...yahoo!)
-I spent Friday in the E.R. with a migraine and for some reason was put in the children's section in a room covered with snowflakes, polar bears, and igloos. My feet were hanging over the edge of the bed...and I'm only 5'4". Luckily I had my mother-in-law and Tyler by my side. Seriously am grateful for an awesome PA and nurse that took such great care of me. I am officially back from the dead.
-Tyler is camping this weekend with the Scouts and so I am being kept company by my younger brother - he is fun, and funny and smart. And when I take off my makeup we look eerily alike. I'm glad he came to stay with me because something about Tyler being gone makes me homesick in the worst way.

I'll try to update with some pictures when I get around to taking some. In the meantime I'll post part of a poem that I came across and absolutely love. I've tried to put this feeling into words on several occasions but have never been quite able to express it.

"Every now and then,
when the world sits just right,
a gentle breath of heaven
fills my soul with delight..."
-Hazelmarie ‘Mattie’ Elliott-

27

2011-01-24T18:51:00.000-08:00

I recently celebrated my 27th birthday. I remember when I thought 30 was so old. Now as I'm steadily approaching it, it seems quite young. I introduced Tyler to the birthday week idea this year. It mostly entailed me asking him to get me a drink of water, a blanket, etc. etc. and quickly following my request by saying, "But it's my birthday week". I'm sure he's relieved that my birth week is now over.

We kept it low key this year which is exactly what I wanted. I'm somewhat of a homebody and so we stayed in and watched movies. Tyler had a few surprises for me which is always fun.

We celebrated with my family and then the next night with Tyler's family. Tyler and his brother lifted me up on a chair and sang Happy Birthday while lifting me up and down. Thankfully no pictures were taken and no chairs were broken. And my sister-in-law proved once again just how hilarious she is by sending me the best birthday present. If you read my previous post about my new found love for tea cup pigs then you'll understand the relevance of this gift.

Probably as close as I'm going to get to these cuties for a while. And what is it about getting packages in the mail that is so much fun? I love it! Once again, I must say that this year is going to be a great one...I can just feel it.

I Want That

2011-01-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

Thought I would share my most recent obsession.

Teacup pigs. They are teeny and adorable and I would like 3. Tyler promised me I could have them if we ever live on an acre or more. So here's to the 10 year plan.

Christmas & New Year's Eve

2011-01-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

Christmas this year was wonderful. Just absolutely perfect. I didn't take a single picture - I just sat back and tried to enjoy every minute of it. I love Christmas and am always sad to see it go. Tyler & I watched a lot of Christmas movies, had fun shopping for our families, I baked up a storm, sent out Christmas cards for the first time ever, & we ate until we were sick. We feel so blessed to be able to count on multiple hands the ones we love & get to live so close to. Family is truly the best. Christmas Eve was spent with my family and we ate, opened awesome presents, and danced...a lot. Probably should've gotten pictures of that. Christmas day was spent with Tyler's family where we once again ate, opened lots of wonderful presents, & played with the all of the little kids. Christmas is a lot of fun with so many little kids around - there is something about a house full of people that you adore. Tyler & I took down all of our Christmas decorations in some of the coldest weather our part of Arizona has seen in a long time. There was even snow not too far from us! Then we got ready for New Year's which was a blast.

Me being mesmerized by my love for all things sparkly

Our good friends had us over for a delicious dinner & a lot of fun. My prediction for 2011 is that it is going to be one of our best ever. Here's to losing my holiday/infertility drug poundage, a new house (we have an offer on one now!), & babies. Or just baby...whatever.

Note to self

2010-12-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

— Mother Teresa

Sometimes I think of all I lack - primarily not being able to have children. But then I look at this boy that is by my side day in and day out and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I'm reminded that I need to be more patient and enjoy these moments with just the two of us. Our life is good, oh so good.

Lucky

2010-11-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

Tyler is superstitious, which he gets from his Grandma. Today as he was getting ready to go take the GMAT he got dressed in his "lucky" shirt. Apparently this shirt has magical powers - he lands amazing skateboard tricks in it, scores high on tests, & the list goes on. I tried to get rid of this shirt when we were newly married because it's an eyesore. Faded, tattered, & has holes all over it. Let's just say that I won't ever make that mistake again - it was a very traumatic experience for us both.

I'm just grateful that he decided to wear a shirt over it. And it cracks me up that his fingers are crossed in this picture...didn't notice that until I uploaded it.

These are the jeans he wore.

And then the completely posed "studying" picture. I'm pretty sure he'd get into the Master's program at ASU without his "lucky" ensemble, but we're going with it. And I'm pretty sure he'll be wearing that shirt on important occasions throughout his life until it disentegrates. Then maybe I'll have to get him a rabbit foot for his keychain.

Bucket List

2010-11-07T06:31:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I told Tyler that one of the things I wanted to do in my lifetime was see Elton John in concert. I grew up listening to his music and LOVE him! About 2 weeks later we found out that he was coming to Phoenix. We waited by our computer the day tickets went on sale and bought floor seats. I was a little worried that I would be disappointed because I was so excited, but it was even better than I expected.

Our seats were so amazing. We were so close to the stage & around all of the Elton fanatics - which was entertaining in and of itself.

I can't even begin to describe how much I loved this concert. In one word it was amazing! Tyler was a champ - he likes Elton John, but I LOVE him! He put up with me leaning over every few minutes throughout the concert saying things like, "I'm so happy!", "This is surreal", "I love him!". There were several times when I got teary eyed...don't judge me. And he stood proud by me even though I was covered in gold sequins. And that my friends, is true love.

Halloween

2010-11-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

Tyler & I are big on Halloween. We dress up every year for a costume party and we always go as a couple. We've been a lot of things over the past few years - Mario & Luigi, Juno & Bleeker, Dog the Bounty Hunter & Beth, Michael Jackson & a little boy (this was before his death...R.I.P.), Nacho Libre & a nun, and this year we went as the Publisher's Clearing House guy & I was the winner. Tyler's grandparents are in their 80's and they still dress up every year for Halloween - we're going to try to do the same.

I feel like I need a censor for this one...yikes.

For the past 5 years we have been going to the same Halloween party that is so much fun. Our friends Mike & Leah always come up with something amazing & this year was no exception:

Legomen - zombie & zombie killer

Tyler's brother Chase & his wife Lauren came with us too. They dressed up as Kramer & Elaine from Seinfeld and it was perfect.

And we already have our costume idea for next Halloween...it's going to be good.

Arizona State Fair

2010-10-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

Tyler & I have a tradition of going to the State Fair every year in October. We always make sure to go on a night when they're having the demolition derby. Slightly white-trash but we love it.

This is the ride that my brother Joseph tries to "tame" every year.

Tyler & Joseph on the Zipper before it takes off. Note the smiles on their faces.

And this is after the Zipper. This picture was taken after he repeatedly said, "I'm going to throw up". Poor guy broke his cell phone on the ride when it fell out of his pocket (I caught some of the flying pieces as I was taking pictures) and then he had to take a breather for a while. The following year he went back for more...and got sick again. Maybe next year.

Good friends Mike & Leah

Mike with his giant plate of french fries (that probably weighed as much as a small child). Every year I get a funnel cake and this year Tyler & I tried a deep-fried Snicker's and Twinkie. I guess it's a good thing that we only go once a year.

Alyvia

2010-10-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

This little girl likes to have sleepovers at our house.

I would like to think it's because we're such a fun aunt and uncle.

But I'm pretty sure it has more to do with this...

I'm going for it

2010-10-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

I've been going back and forth with whether I want to get started on our nursery. I want it to be ready when our baby comes, but seeing as we don't know when that will be, I've been hesitant to buy anything or get set up. Will our hearts ache every time we walk past the room that's missing a baby? Will it only make our longing for children even deeper? Maybe that door will stay shut a little more often, but all in all I think it will be worth it to be ready. My mom gave me her rocking chair when we were first trying to get pregnant, and last year Tyler surprised me at Christmas by having it refinished and fixed up. It was totally unexpected and so thoughtful. He kept it at my parents' house so I wouldn't find it, and when we were over there opening presents with my family he brought it out. I cried.

This is the same rocking chair my mom rocked each of her babies in. I love things that are passed down that have meaning. The wood was originally a different color and the seat was broken so Tyler had it all redone. He was so worried that it wouldn't be just like I wanted, but it was perfect. By far one of the best gifts I've ever been given. We've had this chair for several years now, and when my mom first gave it to me I thought I would be rocking my own babies in it in no time at all. But I suppose life often has a way of surprising us. Every now and then I'll sit in it and think about my babies. I wish they'd stop taking so long to get here, but Tyler & I know that wanting something so badly will make it all the more precious when it does come.

Me sitting in my new rocking chair at Christmas.

So I'm just going to do it. I'll start by painting and then next we'll buy a crib. And if I have to shut the door every now and then, that's okay. There will be a day when that door will be open, and I can't wait.

Seattle

2010-09-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Tyler & I just got back from a long weekend in Seattle. It was our first time visiting and we met my brother & his wife there. And I took a ton of pictures:

I thought Tyler was always squinting in pictures because we live in a sunny state. But this picture in overcast weather proves otherwise. He can't help it, it's hereditary.

You get the point.

The giant Gum Wall. We added ours to the stinky wall and then passed around the Purell. Then we went to Pikes Market which was definitely my favorite.

Love this picture of him.

Space Needle

Tyler & I have a really bad habit of wearing matching outfits a lot. Whether it's the same color, stripes, etc. This is the usual conversation before we leave:

T: "One of us should probably change."

B: "Yeah, why don't you go put on something else."

T: "I really don't want to."

B: "I don't want to either."

T: "Let's go."

And occasionally someone will ask if we planned it. No, we can't help that we both have excellent taste.

Here we are on the duck tour. Which involved a tour of Seattle, a bus that turned into a boat and went in a lake, and a lot of quacking. Pretty sure we shouldn't have enjoyed this as much as we did.

San Juan Islands

Snoqualmie Falls

We loved Seattle!

S'mores in the Summer

2010-07-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Tyler's parents are awesome grandparents. They are head over heels in love with their grandchildren & go along with whatever these kids want. S'mores in the summer? Coming right up.

You know you're in good shape when you still look adorable with chocolate & marshmallow all over your face.

It's been 7 years...

2010-06-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

...and he's still my favorite.

Chase & Lauren

2010-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Tyler's youngest brother Chase got married a couple of months ago, which means we have a new sister-in-law!

Chase & Lauren

She is so cute! I would have been so intimidated marrying into a family that had 3 sister-in-laws that were older than me, but she's not even phased by it. So awesome!

Hard to believe Tyler's baby brother is married! When we told the family we were going to adopt, Chase said, "Why do you need a baby? You already have me." He was kidding, but he is kind of our baby. Luckily these guys are our neighbors so we still see them a lot.

The whole fam

Congratulations!

Good Friends

2010-06-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Tyler & I recently made a trip out to Cedar City, Utah to visit some friends of ours. Tyler & I love traveling anywhere together & this trip was no exception. David & Juli used to be our next door neighbors and we loved hanging out with them. We would hang out in our pajamas late into the night until we were so tired we eventually became slap happy. We're positive their our "couple soulmates" & we've missed them like crazy!

Kyle, Juli & me on our way up to Zion National Park.

The trail we hiked

The Family - Juli, McKenna, David & Kyle (Kyle slept the entire way up & down). We absolutely love this family - David & Juli are some of the best parents we have ever seen. It was so good for us to be able to watch & learn from them. And their kids are seriously awesome - I don't think we stopped laughing once during this trip.

I am truly shocked at how much use I have been getting out of these hiking shoes lately. I guess I'm evolving.

All of us

Grand Canyon May 2010

2010-04-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

My family has been wanting to hike the Grand Canyon for a while now, and we finally made the trek down. I'll be honest, I took one for the team on this one. Everyone was excited and really motivated to carry their gigantic packs down...& then there was me. It was beautiful & I am so glad that I got to experience it, & now I can officially cross it off my bucket list.

Here we are looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Me & my dad. I'm not sure there's a better one out there.

This is my "I love mules because they carry my pack down the Grand Canyon for me" face.

This picture cracks me up because we had barely started hiking & Tyler was so far ahead of us already. My camera was zoomed in too. I don't know where this boy gets his energy!

Tyler making pancakes for breakfast. This boy is the ultimate camper & he was loving every minute of it.

Day 2 - We survived the night

Tyler jumping off one of the falls.

My mama - this lady just turned 60 in December & she hiked the Grand Canyon! What a woman!

This is how most of the trip for me was spent. Tyler went off on all kinds of adventures with Kami & Joseph & I stayed at camp reading my book. I also met some lovely foreigners. I promise I'm fun.

Oh, I love this face. Not to be obnoxious, but I have to say just how awesome Tyler was to me on this trip. He made sure I had absolutely everything I needed to be comfortable. He made sure I had the better pillow, pad & sleeping bag. He also got up early & made breakfast for me. And he walked with me to the bathroom late at night because I was a little scared. Not sure how I ever got so lucky. I really have everything in this boy.

The family - Daniel we missed you!

Umm...done.

Me & Kami - I am convinced sister-in-laws are the best.

Tyler & my dad hiked out as planned, & the rest of us decided that hiking is for suckers. So we tracked down some horses & headed out with smiles on our faces. This was possibly the most hilarious part of the trip. This is my mom when she first got on her horse, but believe me, that smile didn't last. Her horse wanted to be in the lead and was so going SOOO fast. I wish I could've recorded it because it was seriously hysterical to watch.

In case you're wondering what the devil looks like, just look at Kami's horse. That poor girl was taken for the ride of her life & her horse was constantly dragging her through trees, bushes, cactus, etc. My mom's horse bit me on the butt twice. Twice! Should I be flattered? We were all so saddle sore by the time it was done. Oh, & my saddle almost fell off going up one of the switchbacks. Our guide wasn't nearly as alarmed by this as I would have liked him to be. Speaking of our guide, he also asked me, "So...do you still go to high school & stuff?" Seriously?! No, I do not go to high school & stuff. I am 26. Everyone says that someday I will love these kind of comments about how young I look. Show me that day!

And this is my "I'm ready to go home" face. Thanks mom & dad for the trip. We had a blast & will always remember it.

Niece & Nephews

2010-04-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

The boys: Jacob, Nathan & Luke

Alyvia

Christmas 2009

Nathan as Humpty Dumpty - Halloween 2009. He's the youngest and he's already walking. So sad that he's not a baby any more and won't just let me hold him.

Just when I thought I couldn't love this little girl any more, she shows up in these shoes. Girl after my own heart!

Christmas 2009 - Jacob with the new Wii. Tyler's parents got all of us Wii's for Christmas this year and Jacob is awesome at it. He would call Tyler & get updates on what world he was on in Mario Bros. I'm pretty sure he's better at it than Tyler by now.

4th of July 2009 - Luke is such a little tough guy & has the deepest voice. He has the funnest personality and we are going to be really sad when he stops talking like a cave man...it's kind of awesome.

The Parents: Justin & Sarah (Tyler's brother & his wife)

The parents: Todd & Nikki (Tyler's brother & his wife)

Tyler & I agree that it has been great to have a niece & nephews before having children of our own. Both sets of parents have been awesome about trusting us with their children and answer all of our ridiculous questions. Todd recently informed me that, "No, we do not feed our children things off the floor." Noted. I will throw that piece of cheese into the trash rather than into your youngest son's mouth. It's been great for Tyler to watch his brothers be such amazing dads & help out a ton with their kids. And I am constantly in awe of my amazing sister-in-laws & how patient, loving, & kind they are. Thank you all for going before us. We now feel prepared!

Diamondbacks Game April 2010

2010-03-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

I won tickets through my work for the Diamondbacks game. We were on the third baseline in the third row back. We went with Justin and Sarah - Tyler's brother and his wife. It worked out great because it was Tyler's birthday weekend and he loves any and all sports. That boy is 29! My how time flies!

Look how close we are to the field! I was positive that a foul ball was going to hit me in the face when I wasn't paying attention. Especially since I wasn't paying attention for the entire game. I'm there strictly to socialize and people watch.

Justin & Sarah - they have another baby girl on the way! These two are so much fun. Sarah and I spent most of the game eavesdropping on the guys sitting behind us. Imagine Jersey Shore 20+ years from now and you'll have a perfect mental picture of what these guys were like.

The Diamondbacks won, we ate free food, & Tyler loved it. Happy Birthday!

USVI October 2009

2010-03-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

This past October, Tyler & I went on a trip to the U.S. Virgin Islands with my brother Joseph & his wife Kami. It was by far the best vacation we've ever taken.

Overlooking Turtle Bay

The beaches & scenery were amazing. We had to drive on the left side of the road there & Tyler was brave enough to be our driver. I think I spent most of the trip saying, "Get on the left side! No the LEFT side!!" Dramamine was our friend.

Getting ready to hike out to the best snorkeling spot.

This boy could not get enough of the water

Tyler plugging Joseph's snorkle

Kami with the seashell that Joseph found for her. She put it in her purse and later heard something moving around and found a lovely hermit crab still living in it. She freaked out and dropped the shell and broke it...my kind of girl.

On the ferry to St. John's

The only picture I got of all 4 of us. And it was in a parking garage...not really sure what the thought process was there.

We missed it as soon as we left for home.

Everything is cuter on babies...

2010-03-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Justin - please don't kill me. Tyler made me do it.

2010-03-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

March 2010

Kami & Joseph's Wedding

2010-03-03T22:04:00.000-08:00

In 2009, my older brother Joseph got married. His wife Kami has been the greatest addition to our family. Having sister-in-laws has been so much fun for me - I love them! Joseph & Kami were married in the Portland, Oregon Temple & so the whole family headed out for the festivities. Here is all of Bekah's family on the big wedding day.

Daniel, Mom, Joseph, Kami, Dad, Bekah, Tyler

(And yes, my family still teases me about being the only one not to wear black & white. And no, I was not trying to steal Kami's thunder by wearing bright orange/red.)

The Bride & Groom

Does it get any more beautiful than that??

He's not too bad either.

The Groomsmen (I LOVE Tyler in a tux!)

I love this picture of me with my brothers. They have always been so loyal & protective of me, & they are truly some of my most favorite people. I don't know what it is, but they can both make me laugh hysterically. You should see some of the dances they can do...I laugh just thinking about it.

I love weddings, but I especially loved this one. Kami did an amazing job planning every detail & it turned out beautiful & perfect. So awesome to see my brother get married & even more awesome that he married someone so great. I love seeing our family grow!